What is Aftercare?

Aftercare is spoken about a lot within the BDSM community and for good reason - BDSM can be an intense experience requiring a lot of vulnerability, trust and even push physical or emotional limits. It’s essentially what happens after sex to ensure everyone is feeling okay.

Okay, but what does aftercare actually mean?

Aftercare is taking a moment to check in and be present with your partner after sex. This can be particularly important following something that leaves someone emotionally raw or if they've endured 'strenuous play'. Although, it is just as important following everyday intimacy. Think of it as a moment to reinforce care, connection and respect.

Why aftercare is good.. scientifically speaking.

During sex your brain gets flooded with hormones and neurotransmitters, resulting in an au naturel, top quality, A-Grade, chemical high. Oxytocin (your bonding hormone) surges, and dopamine and endorphins fluctuate. That’s why it feels so good! But what happens after a high? A come down.. whomp whomp.

This lil come down, sometimes known as a ‘sub drop’ in BDSM communities, is your brain trying to find equilibrium and restore homeostasis. We’ve spoken about this in other posts such as on post-coital dysphoria which is essentially why some people will cry after sex. The drop might also result in exhaustion, worry or sadness. So it’s a really good time to establish a safe and comforting space and make sure your partner in crime/love/play is okay.

It can also be deeply healing for people who haven’t had nurturing relationships in the past. Without going into it too much, for people who have experiences teaching them that sex is something that leaves them feeling used, hurt or ashamed, aftercare can sort ‘rewrite’ these learned associations with sex.

How do I know what aftercare my partner wants?

ASK THEM! Its always good to check in with your partner to see what they like after sex- some people just want to be left alone to process and self-regulate.

But based on love languages, you could try the following suggestions:

• Words of affirmation:
  • Use your words! Talk to them. Tell them how good it was for you. Tell them you love them (if you do). Tell them you really enjoyed your time together, that they're beautiful & they're so good at {insert}. Check in and see how they're feeling, thank them for being so vulnerable with you or for taking control or making you feel {insert}. Maybe they like praise and they've been such a good {insert} for you.
• Physical Touch:
  • Hold them! Caress, massage and play with their hair. Give them a lil kiss. Get them a nice blanket and wrap them up. Hold their hand on your heart or yours on theirs and use your presence to help them come down from the throws of passion.
• Acts of Service:
  • Make them a tea or something to eat. Wipe them down with a warm cloth or run a bath for them. Put on a movie or ask them if theres anything they need. Make the bed or tidy up. Take anything that needs doing into your own hands. If they have to leave - drive them home.
• Gift Giving:
  • Give them a little chocolate, reward them for their all of their hard work and perseverance, again, give them a tea or buy them dinner.
• Quality Time:
  • Reassure them you'd like to continue to spend time with them, just be there, engage in the moment to make it 'quality' through conversation and all of the above tips. If you have to leave, arrange another time to meet again so they know it's coming.

Do different kinds of sex need different kinds of aftercare?

Good question! For:

• Rough sex - prioritise comfort and reassurance to ensure the person feels safe and depending on the intensity isn’t in pain.
• Emotional sex - avoid changing up the tune too quickly but you can lighten the mood. Just hold emotional space, be open, communicate, eye contact and use the above tips.
• Casual sex - have a laugh, have a chat, light affection if that’s your vibe. Even if there’s no expectation for ongoing connection be respectful and courteous. A nice gesture and a thanks for a good time can go a long way.

All of these suggestions are purely that - suggestions! Its always good to ask the individual what they prefer. The best kind of aftercare is attunement - knowing what makes your partner feel good. And remember that you can give aftercare to yourself after self-servicing or even when you just need a little love.